P.S. Spoilers Episode 1 – psspoilers.com

Hey,  guys! It’s the first episode of our show! Right here on the internets! Tell your friends! There’s a new episode every Tuesday! Here’s a partial transcript.

0000 Are we recording?

0023 What the hell are we doing?

0041 sixty minutes is an hour then?

0121 i’ve got some bottles to crack against my skull.

0142 I put liquid in my mouth

0153 1944 tascam reel-to-reel

0215 mental masturbation

0240 Ogden nash joke.

0257 That’s brilliant!

0322 I can make phone noises with my mouth.

0346 Perhaps Dave can make laughing noises with his mouth?

04:06 That was my topic!

04:29 That’s a lot of steps!

04:45 actually now that’s our first topic.

0513 is David Crosman writing transformers fanficiton?

0543 Ok, let me clear this up.

0622 Yes.

0708 here’s what I would have preferred…

0748 not bad sloppy

0758 just to be a dick.

0826 aight, luke’s dying

0844  I., Luke Johnson, take full responsibility…

0909 Butt, butt, butt.

0909 aren’t only the basest of amateurs, and all the porno people, writing fan fiction?

1045 Oh, I wasn’t writing transformers 3.

1109 that robot’s got balls!

1127 are we pausing?

1150 If Kurtzmann and Orci are listening to this, I guarantee you they’ve turned it off.

1212 A Hundred Dollar Bill Gun.

1236 I rather can.

1306 they’re meant to hide.

1326 well, duy

1417 Blowing shit up!

1454 The fucking robots wouldn’t see ‘em!

1513 They never fucking worked!

1545 Pyhrric!

1602 P. S. Spoilers

1628 22% Rotten Tomatoes score

1707 You’re kidding!

1725 Wait a minute.

1808 What makes the difference between a soldier and a leader?

1827 there are transformers comics?

1855 : Dave Crosman writes Transformers Fan Fiction, and he’s a Big Girl’s Blouse.

1930 Everyone thought that was the stupidest possible thing to discuss as our first topic.

1948 they do it!

1959 it’s the sanctity of marriage!

2013 Don’t deny it, don’t apologize for it, Embrace it!

2052 what’s the slogan?

2109 GOP: we’re the party of dicks.

2155 Case dismissed!

2236 Al Sharpton.

2251 How do you know the politics of Ron Jeremy?

2316 I hate peas.

2357 Super Mario Moonshine.

2411 Whatdda ya want?

2420 go on.

2429 I’ma da winner!

2440 Super mario meets the untouchables

2502 Super Mario: Prohibitchen!

2515 They don’t return my calls!

2520 it’s years I’m calling now!

2612 Right there in the name.

2626 these are not charachters that are treated with respect or honor.

2646 In Dave’s dreams they do.

2700 That’s a great idea.

2717 Steven segal moves slightly to the left

Cut to

{Somebody’s} hand planting on the ground.

{Somebody’s} legs kicking up.

Cuts back to

Steven Segal moving slightly to the right.

2800 Walking places.

2825 Cockpuncher.

2840 The guy who wrote the Onion movie is the guy who wrote the wrestler.

2933 I can’t handle bad things happening to older ladies.

2946 Too soon.

2954 When was it?

3003 Seven days, I’m clear.

3022 Well, I don’t need your facts!

3035 Nobody Minds the good Stereotypes!

3041 Generally larger penises.

3046 Sets an unrealistic standard.

2051 A quarter and a half inch penis.

3102 that’s just three quarters.

3111 just dies a little inside.

3135 you are the exact opposite of “the man”.

3151 you’ve heard of a glory hole, right?

3215 Did I smell brie?

3222 it’s that cave aged-smell you gotta look out for.

3248 youu are the ball lickers!

3300 Plug.

3404 Why did you tell that story?

3429 My God, I’m so glad I have this masters degree in philosophy. Penis.

3503 you’re screwing it all up.

3520 And Billy Mays!

3539 Does Karl Malden count?

3559 The threes go with degrees!

3616 He’s a phenomenal actor.

3628 Plug!

3636 Karl Malden touched you in ways you don’t even know.

3659 Right back to the dick jokes!

3731 The joke is over.

3744 That’s right.

3806 Shatner’s older than him!

3859 You drop some bologna behind a couch, you leave that couch for ten years, you come back? You’ve got Keith Richards.

3919 Even my Keith Richards impersonation is confused.

3953 What if they’d actually made a Grumpy Old Men 3?

4018 And then Ann Margaret walks in….

4035 I moisturize!

4045 You did a pretty good Walter Matthau.

4111 These are easy!

4147 The original is one of the best movies of its kind.

4215 The movie just kind of takes all the personality out of the movie.

4241 Caffeine makes sperm go faster and be more efficient.

4258 And our next topic is?

4333 So goddamn lame!

4348 Some kinda goddamn real estate scheme.

4407 Does he?

4421 Lex Luthor knows he’s a supervillian.

4444 usually just gansterism

4454 if you were going to be a supervillian, what would your plot be?

4552 You just wanna sleep with little boys!

4600 Derailed!

4649 What is your supervillian name gonna be, the nudnik?

4731 So you’re saying my Ecuador strategy was the right one!

4752 Not the Ecuador thing.

4806 That’s just thuggery.

4824 The Usual Suspects

4840 Some outside manipulative force.

4848 Sort of a phyrric victory, isn’t it?

4910 A Goodvillian.

4927 The word ‘seed’ just sounds dirty to me.

5000 I’m going to use your uterous to make mixers.

5023 Light the atmosphere on fire.

5033 Not the world, that’s where I keep all my stuff.

5054 Freud?

5106 Zing!

5111 I dare!

5151 We’ve talked about everything you’ve brought up.

5233 it’s a sandstorm, in Dave’s face.

5314 Twits?

5343 I just don’t really see the point of it.

5418 You don’t really like that.

5435 You kids today with yer twatter.

5507 Twitter is not about the Climbing Mount Everests

5540 They’re Twittering about it right now!

5615 Scatting

5640 Do you Jerry?

5702 Fascinating, tell me less!

5730 I don’t think we need to cut

5800 that is gunna be relevant

5803 tbd

5833 what is the three guys ranting demographic?

5900 tmbg song

5922 Surprise! Bitches.

5939 Quirky.

6010 No logical sense

6022 Surprise! Motha-Bleep-ers.

6047 Humanimalevolent

6102 Kleptocracy

6115 people are encouraged to steal

6126 small children are encouraged to steal food from old people

6145 what are they called, the dickwads?

6204 Until we figure out something better.

6230 Well, that is hour one.

6243 they’re thinking they spent their seven ninety nine poorly.

6311 you pay a dollar-fifty for the Sunday paper.

6322 I don’t use coupons. Coupons are for fags.

6400 The extremely valuable information

6419 I would never buy a newspaper for the coupons.

6444 What is this seven dollars and ninety-nine cents?

6500 I’m not going to let you.

6507 You’re robbing the audience!

6555 He was kind of a hippie.

6605 Jesus Jimenez, the cave-living hippie.

6624 You gave them the punch to the joke!

6632 The very important information is… and then cut.

Ok, that’s it, enjoy!

P.S. Spoilers.